


Use Me For Good

by starspangledbisexual



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angry Sex, Dreams, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Injury Recovery, Kylo Ren Redemption, Maternal Leia, Millennium Falcon - Freeform, Morning Sickness, Poisoning, Pregnancy, Smut, Stranded, Team as Family, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:30:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6094596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starspangledbisexual/pseuds/starspangledbisexual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being stranded on a jungle planet with Kylo Ren for three weeks, Rey returns to the Resistance with more than just secrets. But with Kylo Ren on the run from the First Order, and Ben Solo unreachable through their once-inescapable bond, Rey must decide for herself what is best for her and their child, finding the family she never had along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reach Home to Me

It had been six weeks.

Six weeks of worried glances and long silences. Six weeks of too-careful handling and dodging questions. Six weeks of feeling alone in a canteen full of friends and allies, their eyes burning into the back of her skull.

And she might have been able to handle it. Might have been able to set her jaw and work through it like the desert scavenger she once was. Pretend to forget it, even. But she wasn’t a scavenger anymore. She couldn't let it go. Jakku was far behind her. Now it was Cadannia that haunted her.

_Cadannia, where she mapped the constellation of scars across his chest while he made her sing at his touch..._

Cadannia, where the air was as wet as Jakku’s was dry. Where danger lurked behind every vine. Where nothing, not even living to see the next sunrise, was certain. Where the Force had driven them to collide.

  
***  


_At first, in those weeks after Starkiller, it had been quiet—a barely perceptible hum in the back of her mind, flaring up only on occasion with rage or indignation. She had scarcely noticed it during her training on Rakata Prime with Master Luke. It wasn’t until she’d travelled with him to the new rebel base on Baskarn that she started picking up scraps of Kylo Ren._

_A rebuke from Snoke here…a victory for the Knights of Ren there…a nightmare filled with the screams of children...the flash of a mechanical hand...a terrified pair of too-familiar, too-young brown eyes...._

_Ben Solo’s eyes…_

_“Get out of my head!” he growled._

_“As if I have a choice,” she fired back._

_Rey couldn’t sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes,_ he _was there in flashes of red and anger and a surprising passion. Some days it was hard to tell whose thoughts were whose._

  


_She sat bleary eyed across from a worried-looking Finn in the canteen. It had been weeks since she’d had a dreamless sleep._

I will not lose myself. I will not lose to him, _she vowed silently, taking a long sip of her caf._

  
***  


Before, she would have done anything to be rid of it. Being inside his head, having him inside hers… it had been maddening. The sleepless nights, the flashes of another life, the anger, the rage, _the fear_...

And now, what she wouldn’t give to have it back.

_That thick black hair threaded through her fingers when she pulled Ben in to kiss him breathless…_

_The way he’d never needed to say the words out loud for her to know he loved her…_

_That crooked smile that was so rare and beautiful and so uniquely_ Ben…

She had spent hours meditating, using her training to try and quiet her mind enough to hear even the faintest traces of him through the Force—though even that was difficult now, she was so _tired_ , lately—only to be met with silence. What had once been inescapable now completely eluded her.

  
***  


_”I can’t live like this.”_

_He sent a ripple through their Bond that could only be described as a laugh—something she’d never felt from him before. “Is me whispering in the back of your mind getting to you, girl?”_

_“Is me invading your dreams something you enjoy?”_

_Silence—a rare thing then— punctuated with seething, barely contained rage._

_She counted it as a victory, but it was a hollow thing._

  


_In her weeks on Baskarn, the Bond had only grown stronger. Kylo Ren was always with her now: in her training with Luke, when she ate in the canteen, when she slept..._

_When she woke tangled in her sheets, still aching with a need she dared not voice..._

_She shoved_ that _particular thought to the back of her mind, but she could no longer do that with Ren._

  


_Luke was silent for a moment when she first presented him with her dilemma._

_”The Force was always strong in Ben Solo,” he finally said, “as it is with you.”_

_He was seated on a rock by the river that flowed past the base, surveying the forest beyond. “Sometimes it moves us in ways we cannot understand.” He turned to her with an inscrutable stare. “Now it calls you to each other.”_

_”I have to face him.” It wasn’t a question. She realized it never had been, really._

_Luke did not immediately respond, eyes focused somewhere beyond the horizon._

_“Do what you must,” he finally answered. “Perhaps some good may come of this yet.”_

_She supposed he was right. Beneath the rage and fear, there was something left of Ben Solo. She had seen it in his dreams; try as he might to hide it in his waking life._

_“Do you think he can be saved?” she asked, not sure if she sounded hopeful._

_He did not turn to look at her. “All things are possible through the Force,” he replied. “At least, that’s what I once heard.”_

_“Do you believe it?”_

_Now he turned. “Where you’re concerned? Absolutely.” She detected a faint smile._

_”I will bring him home, Master.”_

  


_”If you want to lay this to rest, meet me,” she called out through the Bond. “Pick the time and the place and I shall come.”_

_She felt his resolve before he answered._

_”Cadarria. One week’s time. Do not disappoint me, scavenger.”_

  
***  


In the beginning there had been an endless stream of questions. Everyone wanted to know exactly what had happened on Cadannia that had led one of the galaxy’s only Jedi to disappear into the jungle with Kylo Ren, only to turn up paralyzed on the forest floor weeks later with the Knight nowhere to be found. It had been one thing to discover that Resistance intelligence had no knowledge of Kylo Ren’s whereabouts. That was almost to be expected. Less expected was the news that the First Order was looking for him as well, though the news gave Rey a flash of hope. Reaching out through the Force and feeling nothing in response was another matter entirely.

Once out of the medbay, Rey calmly recounted her story: she had met Kylo Ren on the planet’s surface. They fought, and he won, leaving her for dead. A monsoon had stranded her as she recovered, and she was found after accidentally ingesting the neurotoxin Senflax, a temporary paralytic. It was a simple story, and believable, too. 

Almost too believable. 

Rumors followed her everywhere on the base. She knew better than to listen, but she also knew that some probably contained more truth than fiction. 

_”He tried to force her to become his apprentice, and punished her when she refused.”_

_“He had his way with her in that jungle, and she’s too ashamed to tell.”_

_“He tortured her into divulging Resistance secrets, then erased her memory.”_

_”No, no, you’ve got it all wrong! They fell madly in love, and now she’s protecting him!”_

Even with Finn and Poe flanking her, silencing everyone with their stares, it was hard to walk from her quarters to the canteen without feeling like a fraud. 

_What would Finn think of her if he knew she’d savored every moan and sigh Kylo Ren made at her hands? Could Poe ever look at her again knowing she awoke some nights gasping for air, craving Ben Solo’s mouth between her thighs?_

She knew they worried about her. She felt it in quiet moments, in Finn’s slightly too-long, too-tight hugs, in Poe’s lingering sad smiles, in Master Luke’s meaningful looks— _Maker, he probably already knew everything..._

And perhaps they were right. She was beginning to unravel in the silence of her own mind, and she knew it was taking its toll physically. Her cheeks had lost their color, and training and using the Force left her increasingly drained. Some days she couldn't even keep meals down, no matter how light. ( _A Jedi strives for control in all things, and I can't even control my stomach_ , she thought ruefully, adjusting her bangs after a particularly upsetting visit to the fresher following lunch one day.) 

But there was nothing for it. Nothing mattered but finding Ben. She needed to know he was alright. To tell him she was safe. The way she'd left things, she couldn't let him think she'd walked out… 

_The fear in his eyes radiated through their bond as he said the words-- but so did hope. So much hope…_

She couldn’t let him go. Not without a fight.

  
***  


_D’Qar had been a desert compared to Cadarria. From the Falcon, all Rey could see was a green orb fractured by rivers. There was a fair amount of cloud cover, but nothing she couldn’t pilot through._

_Finding Ren was the easy part. Their connection pulsed with their proximity, almost as if he were breathing down her neck—or she his. She watched his ridiculous cape billow behind him in the dust her ship kicked up as she landed in a clearing. He hadn’t worn his mask, but his face— healed since their last encounter, but still bearing her mark—was inscrutable, staring at the ship behind her._

_“Finally made it,” he quipped as she emerged from the Falcon, and it was a strange thing to hear his voice out loud, not just inside her head. He reached for his lightsaber almost as soon as she stepped off the ladder._

_“We don’t have to do this, you know,” she said, staying close to the ship._

_”Oh, but I’m afraid we must, scavenger,” he replied, circling closer._

_The air was thick with the humidity of the jungle, and she could feel an almost gleeful resolve through the Bond._

He thinks he’s already won, _she thought to herself, but tried to keep her feelings neutral. Anger would lead her nowhere. She would not let him lure her to the Dark, no matter how hard he tried. She needed him to see the Light._

_”There’s other ways to settle this than by fighting,” she said, but moved her hand to the hip where her lightsaber (_ his lightsaber, _she could feel him thinking) was holstered._

_”I see your time with Skywalker has softened you,” Ren taunted. “You’re not the wild scavenger I remember from Starkiller.”_

_That hurt, though Rey couldn’t quite place why. “I see you’re still the same untrained child that was bested by her,” she heard herself shoot back._

_At that, Ren finally struck. She reacted quickly, parrying him with ease. No, she wasn’t the scavenger from Starkiller anymore, barely besting him in a struggle for survival. This time, she was ready._

_It felt more like a dance than a battle, each anticipating the other’s next move through their connection and responding almost as soon as it happened. She blocked his every attack, as did he hers. There was something mesmerizing about it, and Rey finally surrendered herself to the movement of the Force, letting her mind go as it guided her blade._

_That was when the sky went dark and the heavens opened above them._

  
***  


Master Luke had ended training early for the day, but exhausted as she was, Rey was not finished with the Force. Back in her quarters she meditated, trying again to let the Force guide her to Ben. Hunger gnawed at her stomach— today the faint smell of caf was enough to send her running to the fresher—but she could not let physical concerns trouble her. She needed to find him. 

_Ben, my Ben, where are you?_

After what felt like hours, the world grew quiet around her. It was just her and Force. Then she felt it. The faintest glow of another presence, reaching out for her. 

Her heart leapt. _Ben! Ben it’s me..._

There was no response— just that warm presence. She tried reaching out again, and that was when she realized… 

It was not coming from outside, but from _within._

Suddenly it all made sense-- the upset stomach, the fatigue, the mood swings... 

She had not returned from Cadannia alone. 

It was then and there, in the darkness of her quarters, that she finally allowed herself to weep. 

Whether from hope or fear, she could not say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Cover Me Up by Jason Isbell
> 
> Cadannia and Baskarn are planets found in the Star Wars Extended Universe, as is Rakata Prime. There has been some speculation that this is where Luke went into hiding, and I'm running with that.


	2. Clinging To The Wild Things That Raised Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo are stranded in the Millennium Falcon, a ship full of ghosts. Luke confronts Rey.

_Rey would never be able to say for sure why she did it._

_The rain came down in sheets around them as sabers clashed, and at first they scarcely noticed, lost in the clash of sabers and consciousness. But even as immersed as they were in the fight, in each other, neither could ignore a monsoon for long._

_In what felt like only minutes, Rey was wading through the mud just to follow Ren, who she could scarcely see through the rain. He had slowed down as well—she could feel his frustration in his blade and in their Bond._

_She sensed his surprise even before she deactivated her saber—he had felt her intention—but he quickly covered it with rage._

_“You’re not in the desert anymore, scavenger!” He shouted above the din of the storm as he lowered his blade slightly. “Rain doesn’t stop for Jedi!”_

_Maybe it was the Light that guided her hand, or the Bond. Or perhaps it was just how lost he looked, his wild dark mane flattening against his forehead, his scar—her mark on him—catching the light of his blade, his eyes wild…_

_(A frightened animal poised to strike…)_

_Rey did it almost as soon as she thought of it. She had to, or else he’d sense it and stop her. Gritting her teeth, she disarmed him with a flick of her wrist, sending his blade flying from his hand to hers. She caught and deactivated it in the same motion, ignoring his scream. Grabbing his wrist in one hand, and releasing the saber into the monsoon with the other, she began to trudge through the rising mud, dragging Kylo Ren behind her._

_When the gangway of the Falcon opened, she felt him dig his heels in—both physically and mentally. A surge of emotions overwhelmed their bond—hatred,_ guilt, fear…

_“You will board this ship or so help me I will levitate you,” Rey muttered through still-gritted teeth as she started up the gangway._

_“I am not letting you abduct me in that heap of scrap metal!” He shouted back._

_Rey rolled her eyes at his dramatics. “Not even she can fly in this, Ren. Besides, would you rather swim to your ship?” She nodded toward his sleek but small First Order cruiser, already nearly submerged in mud._

_It was about as easy as herding a rancor, but eventually she dragged a soaking wet Kylo Ren into the Falcon, almost literally kicking and screaming._

_When the hatch shut behind them, the atmosphere immediately shifted. She hadn’t realized just how loud the rain was until the din of it was gone. The only sound was their dripping on the cabin floor...and a laugh…a child’s laugh…_

_Rey’s head whipped around, but of course the only other soul on board was Kylo Ren, his face schooled into an unreadable expression as he brooded in his sopping wet cape. When he looked into her eyes, it finally hit her…_

_It was_ his _laugh. Or rather, a young Ben Solo’s._

_Perhaps Rey had overestimated how alone they truly were._

  
***  


_She was falling. She was drowning._

_The water surrounded Rey, engulfed her with no end in sight. There was no light to guide her, and even if there was, her limbs were frozen. She was paralyzed. Helpless. She closed her eyes, letting the water wash over her…_

_Until it wasn’t._

_The world shifted. She was surrounded with warmth now, warmth that infused her very soul. She felt a hand in hers._ His _hand…_

_She opened her eyes…_

And she was back on Baskarn, alone in her room.

Almost automatically, Rey reached out through the Force, searching for any lingering trace of him, only to be met with silence. But she had felt him. Ben was there in her dream. She could feel it in his touch.

She did not cry. This was not the time for tears. This was the time for action.

Her hand drifted to her stomach. It was still flat, but now whenever she so much as thought of it she could feel the life forming there.

On Jakku, pregnancy was a liability. The last thing any scavenger wanted was another mouth to feed, and the marketplaces of Niima Outpost were full of homegrown remedies and rumors of how to be rid of such things, not that Rey had ever had reason to listen to these whispers. 

But this wasn’t Jakku, and for the first time in her life, Rey didn’t have to worry about finding her next meal. Surprising even herself, she knew she wanted this child from the moment she discovered its existence. She wanted to feel the first flutter of movement, to hear the first cries of life, the first laugh…

_Would it sounds like Ben’s, beautiful as it was rare?_

She wanted to give the child the family she never had.

She felt a pang of sadness at the thought. She wanted Ben there with her, hand pressed against her stomach for the first kick, eyes wide with joy. She wanted to feel him at her back as she slept, body curled protectively around her and the life growing within her as she slept.

_Would their child know its father?_

Even if it didn’t (and Rey fought against this possibility) others would. The child of two Force users, of the Skywalker line, would attract attention. The First Order would go to great lengths to take it from her, to bring it to the Dark as it had Ben.

The thought made her curl protectively around her stomach. She would not let that happen. No one would take her child from her. As the sky grew lighter outside her window, it occurred to Rey that the First Order wouldn’t be the only ones interested in the child. There would be questions. Questions from her friends. Questions from Luke. Questions from the Resistance. It was her baby, but she was their Jedi. To them, it was also Kylo Ren’s baby, and all that that implied.

_Traitor._

_Harlot._

_Liar._

She curled up tighter, almost in spite of herself. Regardless of allegiances or allegations, she would not let anyone else make decisions about her child. She just needed time to make those decisions. 

  
***  


_The Millennium Falcon was full of ghosts._

_Rey had never realized this before. Then again, she had not previously been confined to the ship with one of them, who had taken to broodily staring out into the gathering rain through one of the portholes, not saying a word. Now, his thoughts seemed to haunt the Falcon’s every crevasse._

In the galley, a wide-eyed young boy listened to his mother’s tales of a planet long gone.

In the main cabin, Chewbacca taught him how to play holo-chess, face doing something like smiling as he let the boy win.

In the living quarters, the same boy, older now, tossed and turned in his sleep. His mother heard his cries, holding him against the nightmares...

_To try and banish his thoughts from her mind, she’d taken on a pre-emptive survey of damage done to the Falcon by the storm. Though the monsoon still raged outside with no telling when it would end, there was always work to be done when it came to the Falcon._

_Though the ship had more elevation than Ren’s, it wouldn’t be long before she began taking on water, so Rey set about welding potential leaks shut. She hum of the torch and the constancy of the flame grounded her as she worked, helping to put thoughts of Ben Solo and Kylo Ren out of her mind—until she felt his hand on her shoulder. It took every ounce of calm she could muster not to give into instinct, spin on her heel and slap him away. Instead, she shut the torch off, lifted her visor, and turned around as steadily as she could to face him._

_“You shouldn’t be welding the hull.” His voice was subdued, appraising. Nothing like the shouting during their brief battle. He’s very close, she noticed. So close she could see every dip and detail in the scar she gave him._

_She tried to put the thought out of her mind. “Well, it’s not like I have options here,” Rey snapped. “If we don’t patch this up the water might flood-”_

_“The motivator, which might flood the power core. I know a thing or two about this ship, scavenger, as well you should know.”_

_She felt a flare of_ something _—what it was, and from which of them, she could not say._

_“Would you please stop calling me that? I have a name, you know,” she huffed, trying to distract herself from the feeling._

_“I’m only trying to help, Rey.” That didn’t help. The name sounded strange on his tongue, that first time he said it. She could tell they were both surprised, and that only added to the tension._

_“Well what would you suggest, Ben?” she heard herself ask, not entirely sure why she felt the need to use his birth name._

_Intentional or not, she hit a nerve, and his usual scowl gave way to a new expression, something raw and open, almost menacing. If Rey were the type to be intimidated by Kylo Ren’s temper, she would have apologized to appease it. But she was not, and she stared him down in silence as she waited for him to speak, faces only inches apart._

_“That name is dead to me,” he hissed. “You are not to call me by it if you wish to get through this storm in peace.”_

_Rey couldn't help barking out a laugh in his face at that. “Peace? Since when have you been at all interested in peace? Since I landed you've been nothing but combative. You fight me at every turn, or else brood. I don't see how what I call you would change any of that.”_

_He stared at her with an intensity that should have made her look away, but didn’t. He towered at least a head above her, crowding her into the wall with his sheer size, but she was not afraid. Instead, she stared back unblinkingly as the tension sparked between them. Their faces were so close that she could count the freckles on the bridge of his nose. She felt his frustration, the barely controlled anger through their Bond, saw it in his eyes—along with something else—something she could not (or perhaps would not) name._

_He caught himself, collecting his emotions behind the mask of his scowl, but Rey could still feel whatever it was simmering between them._

_“You’re right,” he said, after what felt like an eternity of silence, and Rey didn’t realize she was holding her breath until she let it out at his words. “I don’t suppose it does.”_

_And then he turned and that ridiculous cape billowed behind him and even though the Falcon’s climate control systems were still online, Rey felt hot and flustered. Pulling her visor back down, she made a mental note to check on them later._

  


_Ren did not speak to Rey again that day. She almost admired his ability to ignore her in such a confined space. Whenever they accidentally made eye contact, however fleeting, he spared her a momentary glare with the same expression that he might a bool grub._

_It was infuriating._

_That night she slept fitfully in the Captain’s quarters, tossing and turning through Kylo Ren’s dreams…_

Fire.

Screams. 

A flash of red. His saber… 

Terrified brown eyes. _Ben Solo’s eyes…_

In an audience chamber, Snoke’s projection towered above.

Kylo Ren was on his knees.

“It’s not her strength that holds you at bay. It’s your weakness. Your weakness for her, for the Light…”

“Master…”

He was cut off by his own screams of pain. After a moment, Rey realized that her voice had joined his.

“NO!”

Kylo looked up, nose bloody, and saw her. _Actually saw her…_

The scene changed. They were alone, now—where she could not say.

He kneeled before her, his black robes gone. His chest was bare, and it was his scar—her mark on him—that called out to her. It extended, she noticed, from the dip in his collarbone to where it disappeared into his dark hair.

She moved without thinking, crouching beside him. She could hear his shallow, panting breaths, and when she reached out a hand to touch him, he flinched back, as if her touch would burn him.

“Stay back!” he shouted, failing to hide the slight tremor in his voice.

“Ben…” she breathed. She realized it was with him she spoke now, not the terrifying façade of Kylo Ren.

But Ben Solo would not meet her eyes.

“Scavenger, Jedi, and now witch. I don’t know what you did to bewitch me, but I want you out of my head!”

For a moment, all was silent, save for Ben’s panicked breathing.

“It’s enough to be bound to you by whatever this is,” he gestured expansively to the no-place they occupied. “But haunting my dreams, my every waking thought… _what have you done to me, Rey?_ ”

Finally, he met her eyes, and she could see something other than hatred, than fury in them. There was… _adoration. Love._

Her waking mind would have balked at the idea of Kylo Ren feeling something like adoration for her, but in this dreamscape, Rey found herself reaching out to Ben Solo to brush his hair from his face. _It was soft. So soft…._

His eyes ( _flecked with gold, she noted_ ) never left hers, and still she could see something else in them.

“You’re afraid,” she said.

  
***  


Luke was worried.

Rey could feel his eyes on her as she struggled through her drills, fighting to stay awake. After the dream, she had given up on sleeping, instead trying again to reach Ben by meditating on their Bond. This had only resulted in more frustration and worry, which Rey was certain her master could feel.

_Could he also feel the presence of the life growing within her? Or was that still hers, and hers alone?_

She tried to push the thought away—the clearer she kept her mind, the less likely Luke was to find out that particular secret.

Trying and succeeding were two different things, however, and today it was all Rey could do to stay on her feet as Luke coached her through agility training. After her slicing her way through a sparring match—her worst since her first fight with Kylo Ren on Starkiller—Luke disarmed her saber and sat on his usual rock by the river—the same place he’d given her his blessing to leave. It felt like a lifetime ago now.

Rey knew what was coming, but schooled her face into an expression of calm as she sat on a neighboring boulder.

“How are you, Rey?” he asked, looking out over the water. The question was innocent enough, but Rey could feel the weight behind it.

“Tired,” Rey sighed truthfully. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“Why is that?”

Luke turned to look at her as he asked, and she had to turn away. She grasped for answers, but couldn’t think of what to say. She couldn’t lie to Luke. Not now. 

Finally, Luke spoke. “Your time on Cadarria left you changed, Rey. You have been distracted. I thought it would pass, but today you are somewhere else. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

What could she possibly say? As much as she had anticipated the question, Rey had no idea how to answer it.

_I’m madly in love with your wayward nephew._

_I’m having Kylo Ren’s baby._

_I’m having Ben Solo’s baby._

Luke sighed as the silence stretched on. “I’ll start with what I know. You have not been entirely truthful about what transpired on Cadarria.”

Rey braced herself. It had been inevitable, she supposed. But why so soon?

“Tell me, Rey. Does it have anything to do with Kylo Ren?”

Rey gritted her teeth, unable to suppress a flare of anger. His voice was not accusatory—it never was. It was the name that didn’t sit right with her.

“That’s not his name,” she muttered, almost to herself.

“What?”

“That’s-that’s not who he is anymore,” Rey stuttered, and she knew it was over.

“Rey...what...what do you mean?” She could feel Luke’s confusion, and the dawning of understanding, without looking at him.

Rey closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. When it came to Luke, she had known it was only a matter of time. She decided she would rather tell him the truth than let him assume the worst.

“You’re right. I wasn’t completely honest about Cadarria. I was never alone. He was there with me. And well… things changed. He changed” Her eyes finally met his, and she could see the surprise there. “There _is_ Light in him, Master Luke. I have felt it. But now...now I feel nothing. I can’t find him—not even with our Bond.”

“Rey…” he began, sounding ever more bewildered, but she cut him off.

“Ben Solo lives. I have seen it.” Her voice is soft, almost a whisper, a prayer.

For a moment, Luke is silent. When he does speak, there is an indescribable weight behind his words.

“You’re in love with him.”

It’s not a question.

“Not just that.” She said it before she could think too hard about it, putting her hand on her stomach and letting it hang in the air between them until Luke’s eyes widened.

“A child.”

She nodded. It was Luke’s turn to be silent.

“Try to understand,” she blurted out. “Ben... he’s scared. More than anything. But there is good in him, I know it.” She saw a flicker of sadness in Luke’s eyes when she said that, though she could never say why. “I don’t know where he is, but… but wherever he is, I want this to work. I want this baby. I want it to be safe and loved. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.” She had never felt so sure of anything, and saying it only cemented it for her. Still, she bit her lip, looking out across the river to avoid Luke’s gaze.

Had she said too much? Should she have said anything at all?

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt Luke rest a hand on her shoulder. She jerked up to see his face, and there was something like pride in his eyes.

“Sometimes it takes someone who has never had a family to see the true value of one,” he finally says. “Your love for this child is admirable, as is your faith in Ben Solo.”

“I read that attachments were forbidden to Jedi,” Rey said, confused.

Luke smiled sadly. “In the Old Republic, yes,” he began. “But this was a part of their downfall. I have always believed that we should embrace attachment. It gives us something to fight for. And since I’m the last Jedi Master, I think that’s my call to make.” His smile turned sly, and it was moments like this when Rey believed she caught a glimpse of the troublemaker desert farmboy Luke once was. “And if what you say is true—if Ben Solo is not truly dead—perhaps there is something to fight for.”

“He is alive, Master,” Rey said, almost automatically. “I have seen and felt it.”

Luke’s smile turned rueful again. “Love is a very powerful weapon. It moves us in ways we cannot understand, clichéd as it sounds. Perhaps it is this that will save him, after all.”

Rey felt a flicker of hope, but she couldn’t stop herself from worrying. “He has vanished, though. I cannot reach him.”

He is silent again. “I know very little of this type of bond, Rey. Its inner workings are perhaps even more of a mystery to me than to you. But if what you say of my nephew is true, there may be hope regardless. If you are truly bound to him, and I believe you are, I think you will find each other. These things have ways of working themselves out.” HE climbed down from his perch, offering Rey a hand to do the same.

When she was back on the ground, Rey looked down at her stomach, touching it reverently. “And what of the child?”

Luke sighed. “You have a hard road ahead of you. With two Force-sensitives as parents, especially ones as powerful as you and Ben, the child won’t go unnoticed. With Han and Leia…” Luke sighed. “Ben was almost doomed from the start….” 

He trailed off, and but Rey could feel the pain in the words he did not say.

She felt her stomach, steeling her resolve. “That will not happen again. I won’t let anyone take this child from me,” she said. _It might be all I have left of him_ , she did not say.

Then, suddenly, she felt Luke’s arms around her. He was _hugging_ her. For a moment Rey could only stand there, shocked, before she wrapped her arms around him in turn. She hadn’t realized how much she’d needed a hug until that moment;

“I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen,” Luke said, sunding as determined as ever and Rey believed him.

As they parted, another thought struck Rey. “Are you going to tell the General? This is her grandchild, after all.”

Luke shook his head. “This isn’t my news to tell her, Rey. How you choose to handle this is your affair.”

Rey couldn’t help breathing a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Master.”

Luke smiled. “There’s nothing to thank me for. Now go. Training is over for today. I think you have enough to worry about.”

Rey walked back to her quarters, feeling lighter, as though some of the weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Though much still plagued her mind, she began to feel that perhaps there was hope.

  
***  


_The storm raged on through the next day. Outside the ship the jungle looked more and more like a swamp, and despite constant maintenance the Falcon was as hot and humid as the planet around it. By noon, Rey had shed her arm wrappings, and Kylo Ren was affected enough to go without a shirt._

_If she thought the dream would change things, she knew now it hadn’t for Kylo. If anything, he now seemed to go out of his way to avoid her, leaving every room she entered and making a pointed effort to look anywhere but at her._

_Rey knew she should feel relieved by this. Kylo leaving her alone meant she could work on the Falcon in peace, after all. Yet she felt anything but peace. The dream left her with questions that would not go away. Had she truly “bewitched” Kylo? Did she occupy his thoughts—even the ones the Bond didn’t show her? Were those flashes of dreams she’d felt on Baskarn—dreams of aching groans and flesh sliding against flesh that left her wet with want—were they more than simple fantasies?_

_Now she knew his—or was it Ben Solo’s? —heart, and it made the tension that still crackled through their Bond from the day before even harder to ignore. Every time she tried to focus she could feel it at the back of her mind, driving her to distraction. When Kylo tried slinking past her down the very narrow hallway where Rey was re-routing some crucial circuitry she could no longer ignore it._

_“Alright! I get it,” she huffed, wiping the sweat from her brow as she turned to face Kylo. They were close—too close, really—and she had to tilt her head up to meet his eyes—_ (she could see every freckle, every bead of sweat…) _except he wouldn’t meet her eyes, suddenly finding the wiring behind her had very interesting. Still, he did not run off, and Rey counted this as a victory._

_“I’m a low-life rebel scoundrel and you want me out of your head. Believe me, the feeling is mutual. But ignoring me isn’t going to stop this.” Kylo looked straight ahead, as if Rey weren’t practically pressed against his bare chest._

_“You make it so_ difficult _sometimes,” she exclaimed, impulsively shoving against him in her rage. Kylo did not budge away—she hadn’t expected him too, really—but he grabbed her hands to stop her pushing, finally looking her in the eye. His eyes were flecked with gold, she noticed, and they burned with a strange fury, along with an undercurrent of something she couldn’t name. Now that she finally had him looking at her, it she who couldn’t look away._

_“Stop that!” she snapped as she yanked against his grip, but to no avail. He didn’t move, but now his eyes_ burned. _The Bond hummed between them, more present than ever before. No clear thoughts flowed through it, just her frustration and his anger and..._ fear.

_This was entirely too familiar._

_“You’re afraid,” she murmured, the words hanging in the air between them, almost tangible._

_It happened quickly, almost in a blur. One moment Rey and Kylo stared each other down, and the next they kissed each other breathless, not knowing and not caring who started it. Her hands slipped from his easily and into that mane to pull him closer. They swam in and out of each other’s consciousness, and when his hands slid around her back, she wrapped her legs around his middle automatically as he lifted her, their thoughts and movements in sync._

_His lips strayed down her neck, forcing a soft moan out of Rey as her hands left his hair to skim down his back, nails drawing a hiss out of Kylo. He fumbled with her tunic and soon she was topless too, lost in the sensations of hands and mouths._

_He started walking and she clung to him, neither quite sure where they were going until Rey’s back hit the softness of a bed. She dragged Kylo down with her, rolling them so he was on his back as she loomed above him._

_She felt a heady rush of power as she lunged at him, kissing and sucking and biting at his chest as they fumbled with each other’s pants. He let out a throaty groan when her hand finally wrapped around his cock, and Rey shucked her own pants with his assistance._

_She cried out with pleasure when his fingers slipped between her legs, feeling a rush of desire and_ yes _and_ mine _through their Bond as he discovered how wet she was. Rationally she knew Kylo Ren thinking she was_ his _anything should anger her beyond reason—but reason and rationality had long since fled, and instead she felt a rush of lust as she attacked his mouth with hers._

_When she lowered herself onto his cock, the Bond boiled over, feelings of_ full _and_ yes _and_ more _echoing their heated cries. Sensations and thoughts bled together until it became impossible to tell where Rey ended and Kylo began._

_She thrust herself vigorously down on his cock, reveling in the gasp of pleasure he released as she ruthlessly sought her own, slipping fingers down to slide against her clit. She felt his desire spike at her sensation, and when he flipped them over, her gasp was one of pleasure rather than surprise._

_He set a punishing pace with his thrusts, and she savored every moment of it, nails biting into his shoulder blades as she let out a high, keening moan. Her climax was rapidly approaching, and when he hit that spot inside her he felt the stars bursting behind her eyes. Gripping her hips hard enough to bruise, he sought her pleasure as unrelentingly as his own, and when she cried out her release, the sensation and raw_ need _of it triggered his own. He let out a low growl as he came within her, thrusting through her pleasured gasps until they were both well and truly spent._

_They fell asleep like that, and for the first time in what felt like months, it was truly dreamless._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait- this chapter was very difficult to write, as it's been a while since I've written smut, and on top of that I've been very busy the past few weeks. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Chapter title from Compass by Zella Day


	3. Hold You 'Til You're Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ren deal..or don't... with the aftermath of their tryst. Finn becomes worried over Rey's condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some added FinnPoe pining, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning for indirect mention of sexual assault

_When she woke, the first thing Rey noticed was that the storm had broken. She could feel it before she opened her eyes, in the coolness of the air. It was less humid, less stifling than the day before. She rolled over, stretching lazily, only to feel a slight soreness between her legs._

_And that was when she remembered._

The curve of his back. The sounds of his sighs. The feel of him _inside_ her…

_Her eyes shot open. The tangled sheets next to her were still warm, but Kylo was nowhere to be seen. She could feel him through their Bond, humming quietly now in the back of her mind, nothing like the overpowering roar of the previous day. He was close, and that was just as maddening as ever._

_Rey rose from the bed, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she fumbled for her clothes. Her hair was disheveled, her buns coming undone, and she noticed with a blush that her neck and chest were decorated with marks._ His _marks. She tried to brush off the implications of that as she put herself back together for the day._

 _She found Kylo Ren stretching in the main cabin, bare chest gleaming with sweat as he moved through his forms. His back curved as he moved, and Rey could see the scratch marks—_ her _marks—on his shoulder blades. The sight sent a rush of desire and lust and_ mine _through her. Ren felt this and froze. The Bond shifted, the Force trembling with anticipation around them. He turned, standing to face her…_

_...And walked away, not meeting her eyes._

_Rey was left standing in the main cabin, dumbstruck. Confusion quickly turned to rage as she turned to follow, nearly jogging to keep up with his brisk pace._ Why did he have to be so kriffing tall?

_“Ren!” She shouted after him, sounding more emotional than she intended._

_He stopped, not turning around._

_“Look at me, dammit!” She shouted, voice breaking on the last word._

_Rey knew she shouldn’t be so affected by this. Rationally, she knew she should have expected as much from Kylo Ren of all people. But another part of her, the part that knew his mind—his fears, his desires—knew better. She knew that the last thing Ben Solo wanted was to walk away from her. She could feel his fire even now, burning under his skin, try as he might to smother it._

_Kylo was silent for a long moment before finally turning to face her, eyes burning with his familiar fury._

_“I meant what I said, scavenger,” he said. “Get out of my head.” And with that, he turned and stalked down the hall to his quarters._

_Rey felt the sting of her fingernails against her palm as she clenched her fist in fury._ How could he? _How could he deny their connection after the way they had_ merged, _souls melting into an indistinguishable whole in the previous night’s fire? She knew he yearned for her—had felt it, had seen it in his eyes. He_ ached _for her…_

...As much as she did for him.

 _The thought surprised her. Completely unprompted, from outside or otherwise, it caught her off guard. Since when had she wanted to be Kylo Ren’s_ anything? _He repulsed her..._

...But Ben Solo didn’t.

 _Ben Solo was Kylo Ren flayed open, all his vulnerabilities and beautiful broken parts on display. It was_ his _dreams she spied on..._

His touch she had felt…

 _She gasped. Her eyes widened._ Force, _she thought._ It can’t be. I can’t be. _But she was._

She was in love.

  
***  


“Seriously though, have you _seen_ the holo-footage of Windu? Easily one of the best fighters in the old order,” Jessika Pava said through a mouthful of potato salad. She gestured widely with her fork, almost gouging Snap’s eye out.

“Yeah, in the _old_ order,” Finn fired back as he speared meat off Poe’s plate. “Have _you_ seen the holo footage of Master Luke’s last fight with Vader?”

“I'm not saying he isn't good, I just don't think he'd win in a fight with Mace Windu,”Jess replied after swallowing.

Poe smiled, snaking an arm around Finn’s shoulders. “You guys both make some pretty good points, but I'm still not convinced. Rey, what do you think?”

Rey started, as though jarred from heavy concentration in her seat next to Finn, where she stared intently at her untouched eggs. Finn noticed she looked slightly green. “Huh?”

“Who'd win in a lightsaber battle- Luke Skywalker or Mace Windu?” Poe prompted.

“I...I gotta go,” Rey said, pushing her seat back with a clatter and practically sprinting to the fresher.

For a moment, everyone was silent, confused by what had just happened. “What was that?” Poe asked, confused.

Jess shook her head as she stirred her caf. “Must be that time of the month. Happens to me sometimes with fish.” She looked at the untouched plate ruefully. “Poor thing’s got it bad.”

Finn looked worriedly at Poe. All the pilot could do was grimace.

  


Try as he might, Finn couldn't shake the image of Rey turning green and running to the fresher from his mind. Was she sick? What was wrong?

Finn sighed, head in his hands where he sat on his bed in the room he shared with Poe. This hadn't been the first time Finn worried about Rey. She had been acting strangely for a week. Well, she'd been acting strangely since she'd returned from Cadarria, if he was being honest.

His thoughts were interrupted by Poe’s hand on his shoulder.

“What's wrong, buddy?” Poe asked, that absurdly bright smile making Finn’s stomach do things he hadn't known it could do until he met Poe Dameron.

“It's Rey,” he answered, leaning into the touch unconsciously. “She's been...off lately.”

Poe “hmmed” in response as he sat down on the bed, extending his arm around Finn’s shoulders. “Yeah. I mean the rumors are crazy but she _has_ been different since Cadarria.”

Finn hung his head. “I knew she shouldn't have gone.”

He'd been against the mission from the start. It was too risky, meeting Ren alone on a strange planet, and for all the progress she had made with Master Luke, she was still nowhere near Kylo Ren’s level of skill. But Rey didn't listen.

“It's not like any of us could stop her,” Poe said, as though he could read Finn’s thoughts. “You know Rey. Once she's got something in her head, it'll take more power than Starkiller base had to stop her.”

Finn couldn't help smiling at that. “You're right.” 

Poe smiled back, gaze tender as the hand on Finn’s back rubbed soothing patterns into his shoulder, almost unconsciously.

Things had changed between Finn and Poe. They became fast friends after Starkiller, once Finn woke up. Sharing quarters had seemed like an inevitability. But in Rey’s absence, Finn began spending more and more time with him, learning the crinkles his eyes made when he smiled, _really_ smiled, and coming to cherish the smile that seemed to be reserved _just for him._

They had grown into each other during those weeks, to the point that “Poe” had become synonymous with “Poe and Finn” on the base. They did everything together. They ate together. They got drunk with the other pilots together. They worked on the X-wing together, Poe smiling at Finn as he got better and better with a spanner. They explored the forests around the new base together, Poe taking Finn’s hand to lead him through the underbrush like it was the most natural thing in the galaxy. After a time, they even slept together, curling into each other like it was inevitable, shielding each other against the dreams that had plagued them both in a protective embrace.

That had been the biggest surprise for Finn—touch. As a stormtrooper, FN-2187 had been touched only rarely, out of necessity by sparring partners and medical personnel. But now, Finn couldn’t get enough of touch. And Poe was so generous with it, hands on Finn at every chance he could get, and Finn relished it, almost as if making up for the years without it.

Finn wasn’t sure what it all meant. Something was changing between them—he could see it in Poe’s eyes when they caught him across a room, feel it in his touch when he held him just a little tighter in his sleep. But he was content to wait, to let the sabacc cards fall where they may.

No matter what that twist in his stomach said.

When Rey returned, it made sense that “Poe and Finn” would become “Poe and Finn and Rey”—she and Finn had been nearly inseparable before she left, after all, and she and Poe had become friendly as well. And yet Finn couldn’t help but notice a distance between them. Cadarria had changed her, and Finn was reasonably sure it was not for the better. His friend looked wan and pale, seemed more tired by the day, and at times was so quiet and focused she seemed to be somewhere else. She left her quarters less and less, until Finn only saw her at meal times and sometimes passing in the halls of the base, a ghost of her former self.

“Something just doesn’t feel right with her,” Finn sighed, and Poe nodded, hand continuing its movements at Finn’s back. “She hasn’t been eating and Rey always cleans her plate. I mean, she’s been living on rations her whole life; not eating is just something she doesn’t do. I mean, what if something is wrong? Like, really wrong? And she won’t tell us because she doesn’t want us to worry….”

“Finn,” Poe interrupted, grip on his shoulder tightening. 

“Yes?” Finn asked, reverie broken.

“Have you tried...talking to her?”

Finn screwed his face up, and Poe had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “No,” he answered after some consideration.

“Well maybe try that first. At worst you’ll only have one thing to worry about instead of all the possibilities up here,” he used his free hand to poke Finn’s forehead, smiling. It was contagious, and Finn couldn’t stop his own small smile in response.

“You’re right. She deserves that much,” he answered, and Poe pulled him closer.

Perhaps he _could_ get used to the touching.

  
***  


 _Rey found herself back in her quarters, too drunk on her new knowledge to do any important task. When she’d attempted to inspect the lower reaches of the ship for flooding, she found herself absently splashing in one of the puddles that had formed there, and when she’d given up and gone back to her wiring project that had been interrupted by the previous day’s...activities, she found couldn’t concentrate, mind still caught up in the flurry of tongues and teeth and_ want _of the previous night._

In the memory of a pair of golden brown eyes, naked with want.

_She’d never been in love, Rey realized. On Jakku, attachment was a liability. Being too kind could result in a lost meal, or worse, and Rey had learned from a very young age to trust no one but herself, to not get too close._

_A little droid had changed all of that._

_But this was the first time she had felt this...this ache, this need for another person. Another, specific person._

_She wasn’t sure if she wanted to kiss him or slap him, shake him until he realized she_ needed _him, dammit, as much as he needed her. All these feelings bubbled up inside her, threatening to boil over seemingly out of nowhere. Was this what love was like? Was this how Han and Leia had felt? Was this just their residual energy, whirling around the Falcon and messing with her head? It almost didn’t feel real._

 _She blamed_ him, _with his ridiculous height and that chest she’d marked as_ hers _only the night before and those eyes she could get lost in and that hair just wanted to sink her hands into…_

_She shook her head. This was ridiculous. Why was she letting Kylo Ren of all people (she refused to let herself think of him as anything else) have this much of an effect on her? All it would do was give him one more thing to use against her. He knew her thoughts, after all…_

_It was then that she realized that the hum of their Bond in the back of her mind had gone silent._

_She sat up, casting about mentally for some trace of Kylo Ren, and found none._

_Something was wrong._

_Since Rey had returned from training with Luke, the Bond had never been completely silent. She had always been able to feel some trace of Ren, even when she wasn’t seeing his dreams or feeling his fears._

_This couldn’t be good._

_She rose from her bed, setting out to investigate the ship, and almost as soon as she walked into the main corridor she found a panel ripped out of the wall, the exposed wires beneath sparking and buzzing. It looked as if they had been torn by hand, which was absurd. Why would someone do something that stupid? Then again, the same could be said for ripping out the wall paneling in the first place. Or dismantling the Falcon’s climate control system. Or punching a dent into the neighboring panel, probably damaging other systems in the process. All of which Kylo Ren had apparently done._

_Rey’s concern was momentarily overshadowed by her anger as she rolled her eyes. Of course he would resort to wanton destruction when he couldn’t process his own feelings. She had been just as frustrated with the climate control system, but this was ridiculous, even for him._

_However, if Kylo was still able to take his rage out on defenseless ship components, then he was most likely unharmed, Rey reasoned._

_But where was he?_

  
***  


_Silence. Darkness. Deep, impenetrable darkness…_

_“Rey!”_

_His voice cuts through the nightmare and she sees him._

_She almost wishes she hadn’t._

_Ben is in the interrogation chair—the same one he had strapped her to, in another life. She can see the fear in his eyes—the fear she had sworn to banish. His face is bruised, a black eye developing as his scar catches what little light there is._

_She runs to him, her feet making no sound on the metallic floor. Her hands are on his face, fingers running over injuries as her lips touch old ones, kissing his scar._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispers into her hair. “I’m so sorry…”_

Rey woke to the sound of loud knocking at her door. 

She sighed, momentarily burying her face in the pillow. Another dream. Of course. When the knocking didn’t stop, she reluctantly sat up.

“Just a moment!” She shouted, and the knocking died down as she got to her feet, gasping at the time on her clock display. She hadn’t meant to sleep so long, but she was feeling more and more exhausted now…

It was Finn at the door, a worried look on his face. He had been worried a lot recently, but she could feel the intensity of it now, in his gaze and in his very presence.

“Finn! Sorry, I was asleep,” she greeted him, sounding exhausted even to herself.

He didn’t respond, eyes taking in her likely disheveled appearance.

“Come in,” she beckoned, and he followed her inside, closing the door behind him.

“Sorry for taking so long to open up,” she started as she walked inside, trying to distract herself from the tension in the room. “I’ve just been so tired lately…”

“Rey, what’s wrong?” The words seemed to explode out of him, as if he could no longer hold them back.

Rey turned to look at Finn, his eyes filled with worry as he stood there in the middle of her room, and she felt all of the breath leave her body.

Since her return from Cadarria, Finn had been nothing but supportive. When she woke up in the medbay, his face was the first thing she saw as he smiled down at her with relief. During her absence, he and Poe had become inseparable, and they accepted her into this bond without a second thought, protecting her from suspicious glares and insidious rumors at every turn when she was too caught up in her own mind to care, still lost in the jungle with Ben Solo.

Maybe it was the residual energy of the nightmare, or maybe it was seeing Finn so upset, or maybe it was being asked, really asked, how she was, but in the next moment Rey burst into tears.

Immediately, Finn wrapped his arms around her, cradling her close as she buried her head in his chest. “Shh, shh it's okay,” he murmured, running a calming hand through her hair.

The only sounds in the room were her sniffles and his murmurs, and in spite of it all, for the first time since coming back Rey felt almost... _normal._ It was her and Finn again, fighting the odds and maybe, just maybe, _winning_. She realized that they hadn’t had a moment like this, a moment of complete, naked honesty, since before she had left. Rey had been too wrapped up in herself and in finding Ben to care. And yet, he had stood by her through it all.

He was definitely a better friend than she deserved. And he deserved the truth.

Finn pulled back-- not enough to let her go, but just enough to look her in the eye. “Rey, what’s going on?”

...and yet, she averted her eyes.

_Where did she even begin?_

“What happened on Cadarria? Are you sick?”

She smiled sadly as she touched her stomach. “Not exactly.”

Finn was silent for a moment as his mind connected the dots, eyes drifting to the hand on her stomach. Then, his eyes widened. “Rey, are you…?” He trailed off, unable to finish a thought that seemed impossible.

She nodded.

Finn was silent for a moment, trying to comprehend this new information. Finally, he pulled away from the embrace to sit on the bed, with Rey following him.

After several seconds of silence that felt like minutes, he asked the question hanging in the air between them.

“Is it… is it his?”

“Yes,” she said with a nod, her answer barely a whisper.

Silence fell again. The only sound was their breathing. When she could no longer stand it, Rey looked over at Finn, seeing an indescribable pain in his eyes.

“Finn…”

“Did he hurt you?” He asked, voice urgent as he turned to her. “Because if he did, Rey, you can tell me. You have nothing to be ashamed of.” Recognition dawned on her as he wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders, muttering, “that monster…” under his breath.

Rey shook her head. “He-he didn’t hurt me,” she said as she shook his arm off, turning away. “It’s not...it’s not like that.”

She let her words hang in the air for a few long moments, watching as it sank it. Rey braced herself for anger, for disappointment… only to be meant with confusion.

“Rey...Rey, what do you mean?” Finn asked, brow furrowed.

 _Deep breaths, Rey._ “I’m in love with him.”

The brow furrow deepened. “In love with Kylo R-”

“Ben Solo,” she interrupted, shaking her head and the other name out of it. “His name is Ben Solo. Kylo-Kylo Ren is dead.”

Finn is completely lost. “How...how? What happened?”

Rey smiled softly. “He found the light, Finn. He found it, and it banished the Darkness. I saw it, Finn. It...it was beautiful,” she was blinking back tears again. “Kylo Ren melted away, and there… there was Ben.”

Finn’s brow had softened, confusion still there, albeit less pronounced.

“I know it sounds crazy,” Rey continued, “but I have seen it. I know his mind, Finn. And I love him.” The last part was barely a whisper as she looked away from him, fearing she’d said too much.

Rey felt a hand on her shoulder, head immediately jerking up to see Finn looking at her intently.

“So you’re sure,” Finn asked, voice serious. “That you love him.”

“Yes,” Rey answered, nodding emphatically. “Completely.”

“Does he know?” Finn asked, and Rey froze. Maker, did he? Had she really left Cadarria without telling him…?

“About the baby?” Finn prompted, eyes seeming to drift to her stomach of their own accord.

Rey shook her head. “No, he doesn’t. I-I can’t reach him, Finn.”

The confusion returned. “But-what about the Bond? You said it wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“That...that was before,” she said. “Now- ever since I got back, it’s been silent. I-I can’t reach him, Finn,” and she felt the tears falling again.

Within the next moment, Finn was pulling her against himself, rubbing her back as she stifled her sobs in his chest.

“I-I just want this baby to have a family,” Rey eventually managed. The _like I never had_ is not said, but it hangs in the air between them.

“And it will,” Finn said, pulling her away so their eyes met. Gone was the confusion in his gaze, in its place a firm resolve. “No matter what happens, Rey. It’ll have you, it’ll have me…” he trailed off, rubbing comforting circles into her back. “You won’t be alone in this.”

Rey managed a smile, tears welling up again for a completely different reason this time. “Thanks, Finn. It-it means a lot.” She took his free hand in hers, squeezing it tight as a new feeling took root within her. Something strange and new. Something like hope, something like love. Surprised, she realized it was _family_.

  
***  


_After searching the ship up and down without finding a trace of Ren, save the occasional dented paneling, panic set in for Rey. Perhaps he really was in danger. Replacing her arm wrappings and shoes, she decided to search the surrounding jungle._

_At the hatch, Rey hesitated. Less than a week before, she would have been glad for any respite from the endless bombardment of Ren’s thoughts. Why now was she so concerned about it ending? Had one night with Kylo changed so much for her?_

_She realized it had and had not. Whether they liked it or not, Bond or no, they were linked. And for better or for worse, whoever he was now, she had fallen in love with Ben Solo. And she wasn’t going to lose him so soon._

_Letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, Rey opened the hatch, walking down the ramp into the jungle. The rain had done little for the humidity outside the ship, and the air still hung thick with heat around her. She saw that Ren’s ship was still docked, although definitely worse for wear, and probably suffering water damage. He was still on planet, then._

_With no idea where to begin searching, she set off into the underbrush near his ship, hoping she would come across him sooner rather than later. There were no discernable tracks, but eventually, she found undergrowth that had been significantly disturbed. He was near._

_But why didn’t she hear movement, or breathing? Or feel even the faintest hint of a human Force signature? Her foot made contact with the answer, and she nearly tripped before she saw him._

_He was sprawled across the forest floor, eyes open, unmoving. For a terrifying moment, she thought he was dead. Then she saw his eyes move, looking at her with an emotion she had become only too familiar with in him._

_Fear._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from Bronte by Gotye


	4. Drowning Is No Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change as Rey nurses Kylo back to health. Rey receives a message from Ben, and a meeting with the General takes an unexpected turn.

_Immediately, Rey fell into a defensive stance. Whatever had done this to Kylo could still be lurking nearby. Quietly making her way closer, she quickly surveyed his condition. There were no visible bite marks, no signs of a struggle—not an animal attack, then. She did notice a rash, however, spreading from his side—poison, then._

_Turning, she scanned the disturbed underbrush around them, eyes eventually falling on a familiar leaf./em >_

_She remembered it from Master Luke’s lessons in Force healing—a picture in an ancient Jedi manuscript. The plant was a neurotoxin, temporarily paralyzing those infected. It was traditionally used medicinally, but could be dangerous in the wild. The name had been...Senflax. That was it. She remembered that it also disrupted the infected’s connection to the Force, which explained the silence of their Bond._

_It took all of Rey’s energy to levitate Kylo back to the Falcon, despite the short distance._

_“Why... are you so... kriffing..._ heavy _?” She gritted out as she Force-lifted him up the gangway, and she swore she could see him roll his eyes. Injured or not, some things never changed._

_Rey set Kylo down on his bed, almost dropping him, before falling heavily next to him, panting._

_When she finally caught her breath, Rey rolled over to face him. With the exception of the angry red rash, he was pale. So pale…_

_“What were you even trying to do?” Rey asked, an anger she hadn’t realized she was holding in exploding out of her. “Where were you going to go?”_

_Of course, he didn’t answer, eyes fixed on the ceiling._

_“It’s just us now,” she says, voice quiet, but seeming to linger in the air around them._

_He was looking at her now, eyes full of something like regret. Without thinking about it, she reached for his hand, taking it in hers and squeezing._

_She imagined him squeezing back._

  
***  


_The dream was different that night._

_Rey couldn’t pinpoint why, at first. It was more of a feeling, really—the way her hair stood on end, the way her heart refused to stop pounding, the way she just_ knew _she was not alone. Then she turned…_

 _And there was Ben, more present, more_ real _than he had been since Cadarria._

 _He wasn’t a figment of her imagination or a lust-fueled fantasy, but_ Ben, _reaching out across the galaxy to her._

 _She didn’t remember running, only Ben catching her in his arms, clutching her tightly against his chest as if_ she _was the one who could fade into the ether at any moment._

_“I’m here, Rey,” he murmured softly, his voice reverberating through her chest comfortingly. She could hear a note of surprise, as if he almost couldn’t believe their reunion himself. “It’s alright. I’m here. I’m really here.”_

_She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt his hand on her face, wiping tears away. He still held her, scared to let her go, but he looked into her eyes now, and Rey could see the naked joy there, along with the pain being apart, and she couldn’t stop herself from leaning forward and kissing him breathless._

_Ben buried his hand in her hair almost instinctively as he returned the kiss with equal passion until they ran out of air, breaking apart with a gasp._

_“But… but how?” Rey managed through panting breaths. “I couldn’t… couldn’t reach you on Cadarria… there was Senflax, and then… then the Bond was silent, Ben… I-”_

_“I know,” Ben interrupted, absently tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “When I couldn’t hear you anymore, I understood how you must have felt. Rey- Rey, I thought you were dead.” His Adam’s apple quivered, and Rey could see the old fear in his eyes again. “Then I saw the Rebel ship and… well, I knew you were gone.” He hung his head, and Rey swore to never be the cause of such pain for him again._

_This time, it was Rey who caressed his face, finger absently running along his old scar. “I didn’t want to leave you,” she said, leaning her forehead in to touch his. “They found me, and I was powerless to call to you.” She closed her eyes, and they breathed together for a few moments, reveling in each other’s presence. “But how are you reaching me now?”_

_“With great difficulty,” he sighed. “I’m very far from you, Rey, and our Bond weakens with distance. I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks, but our minds have barely brushed.”_

_“I knew I felt you!” Rey smiled. “You were there, in my dreams. I’ve tried reaching you, too—have you felt it?”_

_Ben smiled. “Yes, but also fleetingly.”_

_Rey’s smile turned pensive. “Where are you, Ben? When the Resistance said you were a fugitive from the First Order, I was relieved… but I’ve been scared for you. Are you in danger?”_

_He grimaced, turning away slightly. “I wouldn’t lie to you, Rey. The task I’ve undertaken isn’t easy. Or without risk.”_

_“I should know better than to expect anything else from you,” she said with a rueful smile. “But what is it? Where are you?”_

_He looked back at her again, eyes full of sadness. “I wish I could tell you, Rey, I really do. But doing so might put you in danger. The First Order will go to great lengths to find me, and I won’t have you caught in the crossfire.”_

_Rey’s gaze hardened. “You know better than anyone I can handle myself against the First Order, Ben.” she protested. “I wouldn’t cave to them.”_

_“I know that, Rey,” Ben said tenderly, fingers carding through her hair again. “It’s not not the Order you should fear, but Snoke. He is powerful—more powerful than you know. Kylo Ren may not have been able to break you, but he definitely could. And I- call me selfish, Rey, but I could never bear to see that.”_

_The sorrow in his eyes deepened as he rested his hand on her cheek. Rey leaned into it, soaking up his presence while she could. She understood, really—but she needed him._ They _needed him._

 _“But rest assured,” he continued. “When I have done what I must, I_ will _come for you, Rey. Whatever happens, we_ will _be together again. And the Resistance will have me, whatever comes of it.”_

_Rey felt tears welling up again, and it took all her power to stop them. She couldn’t let her joy at their eventual reunion stop her from telling him the news. “Ben… Ben there’s something I need to tell you.” As nervous as she was, he needed to know._

_His eyes sparked with worry. “What is it, Rey?”_

_Rey smiled weakly as she took his hand from her cheek, placing it against her still-flat stomach. “Listen with the Force,” she whispered, trying to keep a shake out of her voice._

_Ben was silent for a few moments, face screwed up in concentration… until joy like nothing she’d ever seen from him bloomed across his face._

_“Do you feel it?” She asked, still whispering, but unable to mask her own excitement._

_“Yes,” he answered, voice breathless with wonder. “Rey… Rey I can’t believe it…”_

_“Is that a good I can’t believe it?” She asked, only half joking._

_“Of course!” He laughed, a positively goofy grin spreading from ear to ear as he pulled her into his arms, lifting her off the ground and spinning her in his joy. It was infectious, and Rey could only laugh as her feet left the ground._

_“Rey...Rey I love you so much,” he said breathlessly as he set her down again, kissing every inch of her face he could reach. “I love you_ both _so much.”_

_“We love you too, Ben,” she replied before giving him a peck on the lips and taking his hands. “Just please… please come back to us safe.”_

_“I will,” he said, expression resolute now as he pulled her closer, clutching her to his chest. “I will do everything in my power to come home to you, Rey.”_

_She didn’t respond, instead smiling into his chest. Happy in the knowledge that he was safe and someday soon, with any help from the Force, they would be together again. All of them._

It was the first time Rey had slept through the night in weeks, and she woke to the Baskarn sun warming her face, she couldn’t help but smile at the lingering traces of Ben’s presence in the Force around her.

And then she felt her stomach lurch.

It was going to be one of _those_ days.

  
***  


_Silence weighed heavier than usual in the Falcon for the next few days. With the Bond cut off, not even the ghosts of Ben Solo’s past kept them company. It was just Kylo and Rey, and he wasn’t much company in his state._

_Evidently, Kylo has been infected with more Senflax than usual, as a typical dose usually only lasted a day, if Rey remembered correctly. Yet two days after Rey had found him, he was in no better shape. That first day Rey had managed to stop the spreading of the rash with some ointment scrounged from an ancient medkit she’d almost needed a spanner to open, but it was a hollow victory. The damage had been done._

_“I hope it hurt,” she snapped, words accented by the creak of the rusted ointment container as she shut it. “Master Luke never told me if Senflax is painful, but it’d serve you right.”_

_Rey knew it shouldn’t affect her as much as it did. Kylo Ren was incapacitated; for once blissfully silent, inside her head and out. Only a week ago she might have killed for such silence._

_Now it was maddening._

_“Am I really such bad company that you’d rather face whatever’s out there in the jungle than spend another moment with me?” She asked the next day, pacing the length of Kylo’s quarters, his eyes following her._

_She almost wished she could say the same for herself._

_(She didn’t, not really.)_

_At the end of that second day, after feeding them both a meager dinner of their shrinking rations, Rey found herself sitting on the edge of Kylo’s bed, the ship’s lights long since extinguished. It was late, and they should both be sleeping, but his eyes shined in the darkness, never looking away from her._

_Perhaps Rey was going mad, but she had taken to filling unbearably quiet moments like this one with their one-sided conversations._

_“In that dream you said I bewitched you,” she told him, voice quiet and even. “Well, you have no idea what you do to me.”_

_If Kylo could blink in surprise, Rey was pretty sure he would have in that moment. His eyes said enough, though._

_She sighed, running a hand through her already mussed hair. She’d taken to repeating that gesture often in the last two days._

_Her head dropped into her hands. “It just-it doesn't make sense. You're a traitor. A murderer! A week ago I wanted you out of my head…” another sigh. “Now...it's almost like I_ need _you.”_

_When she looked back up, his gaze was still fixed on her. It should have been unnerving, but instead it was strangely comforting._

_“I want you back, Ben Solo.”_

_The words sounded strange, even as they fell so naturally from her lips. She never knew Ben Solo. He wasn't hers to get back._

_And yet she meant it, with every fiber in her being._

_Feeling her exhaustion beginning to claim her, Rey fell back into the mattress, her hand almost brushing his._

_“I wish it didn't have to be this way,” she said quietly, eyes looking up at the ceiling. “Things would be so much easier.”_

Good things are never easy, _a familiar voice said in her mind._

_As she drifted off to sleep, Rey found herself wishing it was his._

  
***  


“I think something may be troubling Miss Rey,” C-3PO said.

Leia sighed, shaking her head. As per usual, by the time C-3PO noticed something, it was already abundantly clear.

Rey had been...off since her return from Cadarria, but today during her meeting with the General, she was somewhere else entirely…or had been before abruptly leaving her seat and all but running for the ‘fresher. Throughout the meeting, the normally serious and attentive girl seemed to drift off; her eyes staring into space as her mind was occupied by something that clearly wasn’t First Order infiltration tactics utilizing the Force. Though she seemed happier than she’d been in weeks, Rey was also more distant than ever.

And now she had vanished mid-meeting, leaving Leia, Luke, C-3PO, and a baffled lieutenant gathered in the meeting room in awkward silence.

Luke cleared his throat. “I believe my padawan is ill. As her instructor, I think this meeting is vital to her learning and should not continue without her. With your permission, General, I suggest we adjourn for the day.”

Leia sighed, nodding. Rey was important to this operation, and it was evident that they would get nothing else done today. She looked over at Luke, and felt a wave of concern from him through the Force.

This couldn’t be good.

“Agreed,” she said, not taking her eyes off of her brother.

The lieutenant looked confusedly between the two. “But-but General, we’ve barely even begun discussing...”

“...which means we can start another day,” she finished with a sigh, voice betraying her fatigue. “Thank you for your concern lieutenant. You are dismissed.”

With a hasty salute, he excused himself, leaving Luke and Leia alone.

“Don’t give me that look,” Leia sighed.

“What look?” Luke asked, transparent as ever.

“The look that says you have a secret I need to know that you won’t tell.” She’d seen it countless times before, and each one had ended badly. For all of his enigmatic Jedi posturing, Luke still wore his heart on his sleeve, and Leia knew better than anyone how to read him.

“What is it you’re not telling me?” She asked.

Luke sighed, “It’s not my secret to tell, Leia,” and left the room, shaking his head.

With everyone gone, Leia’s thoughts turned to the girl in the ‘fresher. She was quite fond of Rey, and worried about her increasingly since her return from Cadarria. She was withdrawn and quiet where once she had been vibrant and outgoing. And, if what she’d witnessed today and what she’d heard from others was to be believed, Rey had had been ill for a few weeks now, which definitely had to be taking its toll. Leia herself hadn’t been sick like that since…

Oh.

_Oh, Force._

  


Rey coughed weakly where she was hunched over the commode. She hadn’t even been able to excuse herself properly from the meeting, and now she’d made a fool of herself in front of some of the most important people in the Resistance. 

_How am I supposed to face the General again?_ She thought to herself as she wretched yet again.

Almost on cue, Rey felt a hand on her back, rubbing soothingly before reaching to tuck stray strands of hair away from her face. She started, surprised. 

“Shh,” the General’s voice soothed. “It’s alright. First trimester’s always the hardest.”

Rey froze. _Kriff._

In that moment, Rey wanted to do so many things. 

She wanted to ask the General _how did she know?_

She wanted to tell her _I just want my baby to be safe._

She wanted to run out of the ‘fresher, hop a freighter off-planet and never look back.

But all she could do was brace herself and wretch into the commode again as the General held her hair and rubbed her back. When Rey’s stomach had nothing left to give, the General helped her up and led her out of the ‘fresher, a comforting hand at her back.

She led her to a quiet set of rooms off the main meeting chamber—her quarters, Rey realized as the General sat her down in a small kitchenette. Trying to stay distracted as the General busied herself with rifling through the cupboards, she surveyed her surroundings, noticing the surprisingly homey atmosphere. Little knick-knacks and touches of personality lined the walls and shelves—an Ewok carving, a sea rock from Naboo—though Rey noted there were very few holo-photos.

_Some memories are just too painful._

She was jarred from her thoughts by the General placing a hot cup of tea in front of her.

As she sat down across from Rey, she said “It’s not quite right, but this should help. Han used to smuggle something similar that did wonders for morning sickness. One cup of this and you won’t have to worry for the rest of the day.”

The way the General spoke felt entirely too casual for the situation at hand. She should be furious, or at least concerned. But she retained her regal demeanor, seemed to almost smile across the table at Rey through the steam rising from her heavenly-smelling cup.

“Thank you,” was all Rey could think to say, voice not hiding her confusion. She took a sip and immediately understood the General’s enthusiasm. As soon as she swallowed, Rey felt a wave of calm wash over her mind and her stomach.

When Rey finished the cup, satisfied and somewhat less nervous, she and the General sat in companionable silence. Her smile had faded somewhat, but she was nonetheless a warm and reassuring presence, even when she finally asked the question on both of their minds.

“Is it Ben’s?”

Rey was relieved, but not surprised, at his mother’s use of his birth name. Kylo Ren had probably never sat right with her, and Rey was happy to not have to explain who the man she had fallen in love with really was.

“Yes,” she answered, voice quiet. She felt her nerves beginning to resurface, but tamped them down. She could do this.

The General nodded, expression unreadable. “I knew something had happened. Luke spoke of some kind of… connection between the two of you. Of you trying to bring him back to the Light. You fighting and that being the end of it… it didn’t make sense.”

Rey looked away, biting her lip guiltily.

“It’s alright,” the older woman said, reaching to touch Rey’s arm comfortingly. Rey looked back at the General, seeing genuine understanding in her eyes. “I understand you’re in a delicate position. It can’t have been easy, carrying around this secret for as long as you have. You’re a very strong woman, Rey, and you’re going to need that strength.”

“I just want my child to be safe,” Rey murmured, touching her stomach nervously. “I-I didn’t want anyone interfering.”

The General nodded. “I can understand that. It’s your _child,_ Rey. Wanting to protect your family… it’s important. I can admire that.”

Rey could only nod, genuinely touched. “Thank you, General.”

The older woman shook her head, smiling. “Please. I think, given the circumstances, you can call me Leia.”

Rey could only smile in surprise. “Thank you, Leia,” she said.

The smile Leia gave her in return was tinged with sadness. _Like so many of her expressions,_ Rey realized. The General had lost so much… 

“I won’t ask about what happened between you and my son,” Leia said, her quiet voice pulling Rey from her thoughts. “But please…I need to know… how is he?”

For a moment, Rey was stunned into silence. She had expected this question the moment she heard the General’s voice in the ‘fresher, albeit phrased very differently. Yet still, she struggled to find words.

“He’s-he’s changed, Leia,” Rey heard herself say. 

The General’s eyes snapped to hers, filled with hope. “How?”

Rey smiled, despite herself. “There’s Light in him. I’ve seen it and it’s… it’s beautiful, Leia.”

A smile broke across Leia’s face, and for a moment Rey saw the young woman who captured a smuggler’s heart. “I knew it. I always knew…” she said, almost to herself before looking at Rey again. “When Luke told me of your mission, I questioned his decision to let you face Ren again so early in your training. But then he told me of your link, that perhaps some good could come of it… now, I know he was right.” She placed her hand over Rey’s on the table. “It was you, Rey. You drew him to the Light.” Leia’s smile was nearly blinding now.

Rey felt herself blushing. “He had the Light within him, Leia…” 

“But you brought it out,” she interrupted. “And for that, I can never thank you enough.”

Rey nodded. Despite her humility, she knew it was at least a little true. “Well… seeing it was thanks enough.”

Leia squeezed her hand. “You’re in love with him.” It wasn’t a question.

Rey sighed. “Yes,” she said, voice almost wistful.

Leia did not miss this, expression turning more serious. “Do you know where he is?

Rey shook her head. “No,” she answered, glad to be able to tell the truth. “But I… I think he will come home, Leia. I have faith.” 

As much as she wanted to encourage Leia, there were some things Rey needed to keep for herself, and that dream was a private moment between her and Ben, selfish as it was.

Nonetheless, Leia smiled. “So do I, Rey.”

  
***  


_It was still dark when she woke, but something was… different. At first she could not place it…._

_...Then she heard his voice, impossibly deep and rough from disuse, almost a growl._

_“Rey…”_

_Her name on his lips sounded different the second time. Almost…_ right.

 _It was when she tried to turn to face him that she realized he’d wrapped his arms around her, whether consciously or in sleep she did not know. What she did know was that he was speaking and moving and_ okay.

_“Ben…” she couldn’t stop the name from rising to her lips. He said nothing to protest it._

_When she finally turned to face him, she could see something new in his eyes. Something changed. Something like hope._

_“I need you too,” he said, his voice the only sound in the galaxy._

_Rey would never be able to say what drove her to kiss him then, only that his lips were soft and when he returned it, something like hope bubbling up in their resurging Bond._

_As they drifted off to sleep, still curled into each other, Rey couldn’t deny the_ rightness _of it all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write, but I'm not super confident about it. Regardless, things are about to get *interesting.* Hang tight!
> 
> Chapter title from "Every Breaking Wave" by U2

**Author's Note:**

> Story Title from "Cover Me Up" by Jason Isbell  
> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://kylorenstrashmom.tumblr.com)!


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